Happily Ever Afters Are Just A Book Away

Happily Ever Afters Are Just A Book Away

Friday, September 27, 2013

Rafe's Rules for Surviving the Zombie Apocalypse

As part of day five of the Hero for Hire blog tour, our Hero himself, Rafe Charming, is here to share with you his rules for surviving the zombie apocalypse.

You can find more fun with Hero for Hire at today's stop on our blog tour:

The Suburban Eclectic 

Rafe's Rules for Surviving the Zombie Apocalypse

How many of you saw that zombie movie a few years back with all the rules? Everyone thought it was clever, but nobody knew they’d actually have to face a zombie apocalypse someday. When it really happened, practical rules for survival were suddenly really important.

Most of the rules in that movie were just bullshit, but some of them made sense. Here’s my list of the ten most important rules to follow in a real zombie apocalypse:

1. Shelter is your most important asset.

I survived a little over a year alone in the streets of Los Angeles. Trust me, you do not want to be caught for long without a place to sleep or rest because life in the zombie apocalypse is all about survival every single day.  It’s best if your shelter has solid – not glass – doors that lock, and not many (if any at all) windows. You want more than one exit – this is critical. One way in and out leaves you trapped. The more lockable doors (yes, they can open doors) between you and the zombies, the better.

2. Travel light.

If you don’t have a permanent home base, you don’t want to be lugging around a whole ton of crap. Living on the street or on the run means new shelter every few nights. With so many people dead or zombies, the homes all those people used to live in are probably still full of canned goods, clothes, blankets, water - supplies. You don’t have to haul it all with you, and traveling light means you move faster.

3. Guns should not be your primary weapon of choice.

Sure, I live in a mansion now with an impressive armory in the basement. But if you don’t have that luxury, you need practical weapons to protect yourself. Guns aren’t practical because you need a steady supply of ammunition. You’d think given America’s obsession with guns every house would be bristling with bullets, but that’s just not the case. The most reliable way to kill a zombie is to take its head off, so a sword would be an excellent choice, but swords aren’t so easy to find.  Baseball bats, axes, any blunt instrument is good.  You have to get close, which is disgusting, but it works. If you survive long enough, building and getting skilled with a slingshot is good, too.

4. Nontraditional is the new traditional.

All of us have lost relatives or people we loved. Nowadays you take family where you can get it. It’s always better to have other people with you – it keeps you from getting lonely, it helps share the burdens of survival, and multiple heads are always better than one for problem solving. The apocalypse still sucks, but it’s a lot better with Gwyn, Doc, and the boys.

5. Everything you learned in the movies about zombies is pure crap.

Movie zombies aren’t real zombies. Real zombies aren’t reanimated corpses. They’re infected people. There are a couple of different kinds of zombies – the ones that are so far gone they may as well be undead, and the smart ones. They all move fast, they all eat whatever fresh meat they can get their hands on (sometimes each other), but some of them are smarter and can figure things out.  Live by the motto:  never assume anything because when you do you’re zombie chow.

6.  Put together a tool kit you take with you everywhere.

Never leave your shelter without: a knife of some kind, a flint, matches, or lighter, your weapon of choice, a screwdriver, duct tape, a belt.

7. Always wear comfortable shoes.

You can’t outrun zombies in flip flops or heels.

8. Food isn’t what it used to be.

Don’t ever turn your nose up at something edible, even if you’d never have eaten it before the apocalypse. You can’t go to the supermarket and pick up hamburger or pork chops anymore, and the zombie apocalypse isn’t vegan. You can scavenge stores and houses for canned goods, and if you’re lucky you’ll eventually find a place like we did that’s secure enough you can have a garden. Until then, you eat what you can find and sometimes it isn’t pretty. My advice: Close your eyes and pretend it’s chicken.

9. Take pleasure in the little things.

This sounds sappy, but the apocalypse puts things in perspective. The things that make me happy now are finding a book from Gwyn’s list while I’m out scavenging then seeing the smile on her face when I give it to her; playing Monopoly with the boys; pillow fights; watching the evil genius of Doc as he invents some new gadget or weapon; the fact that because there’s no electricity left in L.A. Gwyn and I can snuggle on the mansion roof and stargaze.

10. When it comes down to it the number one rule is there are no rules.

You do what you have to in order to survive and protect your family.

Hero For Hire is available here at Amazon for Kindle right now!  It'll be available on Barnes & Noble, iTunes, Kobo and other locations on October 1.

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